So I'm the gym today. Running my laps.
And this guy whizzes past me. And he's super fast but that's even the point of what I'm saying because it's secondary to what I want to say about him. Ok, so, he whizzes by me. And the first time he does so I think he just says, "behind you," but it came out as such an out-of-breath garble that I'm not really sure. But I'm doing my lame-ass run/walk interval thingy ("intervals" being my excuse for not being able to run continuously) and the guy keeps passing me-- regards of whether I'm on a running lap or a walking lap, he's always at least twice as fast as me. But the thing about this guy. THE FREAKIN THING I AM GEEKING OUT ABOUT. Is that every time he passed me (and by the end of his run he had passed me well over ten times) he would say something encouraging and give me a 'thumbs up' sign. Every time he passed. He switched it up between things like, "Keep it up," "Good work," "Keep going, you're almost there," and I always wanted to say something back but he sped off so quickly that I don't think he would have heard me (and even if he did, he probably didn't have time to answer?). And there were these two other dudes running and I was trying to stay away from them so I don't know if the speedy guy was encouraging them as he passed by as well. But the fact that he made the effort every time he passed me to say something motivational was just so... wholesome. I don't particularly like words of affirmation like that because they seem fake. But this guy was so consistent and his words were so pure and I don't know whether to call it sportsmanship or something else, but it definitely made me smile during my workout tonight. And I ran by him once after he was already done and just resting by the side of the track; even then our eyes kinda met as I ran by and he said his encouraging tidbit and smiled and it just melted my heart. Speedy stranger, I may never see you or hear your breathless affirmations ever again. But I'm sending this blog post out into the void just to make you a little more real in my own mind. Sometimes the littlest things have such a profound effect and I hope you never stop being who you are and doing what you do. Thank you for restoring a small bit of my faith in humanity. And you're so fast, Good Lord, I can't even comprehend it.
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Went to grade papers for a couple hours this morning. Realized that the mold in my water bottle straw-entry area is actually quite disgusting and maybe that’s why I am starting to feel sick. I have that scratchy feeling in the back of my throat that I get when some niggling, inconvenient head cold is looming in front of me and I almost (almost) hate the anticipation of the discomfort that is to come more than the actual discomfort.
Or maybe I am getting sick from being stressed. I wonder if this is the most stressful semester of college I will experience. There are 97 days left (I still have to do today’s Instagram post though). I am sitting in the grove and typing and being an old lady while I watch the young’uns play with water balloons. People from LAR, Allen, and Busey are here and I know only half of the people present. There is something strange about the overturning of generations that occurs in college (and high school too, I guess, technically); it’s like… not so much sad as it is bittersweet and not so much disconcerting as it is just lonely. I miss what once was, but I am grateful for where I am. I crave the company of those who are older than me and who have already left, but I am excited to see where life is taking them and where/who we will be in x number of years and what new cafes we can check out together. I wonder if ants on a log know that they are ants on a log? And if, in fact, those ants do not know that about themselves.... what objective truths are humans unable to know about themselves? And is this blindness an incapability (our fault) or is it actually an inability (Universe's decision)? I see people that aren’t here and it makes me sad. And it some ways I think it is sadder when people are simply away from me and not actually gone from this Earth; at least the latter is absolute.
It’s the very nature of the former, however, that makes it so heartbreaking. The fact that everything is still up in the air. The undecidedness. The simple, periodic, realizations that these people are living their lives and that I cannot possibly share in that experience with everybody that I wish to. Today, I found myself eating dinner with Domi, Christelle, and Ngozi and I realized that I had never had African American friends before I came to college. And it wasn't that this was by choice or prejudice or anything like that; it had just happened that I hadn't found myself in such a social circle in high school.
But I am not trying to highlight my narrow-mindedness or the myopic scope of my childhood in this post. I am too ashamed of these qualities within myself to publicly talk about my fascination with the cultural melting pot of university. I am doing an Instagram one-a-day countdown for the semester/until I'm done with undergrad and I am not ashamed to say how much I love it. It's something so small, but I like the feeling of intentionally seeking something in my day (no matter how random or plan or ugly or not picturesque) that I can write a small caption for and post on my account.
- post-gym protein shake and music and singing
- Free Comic Book Day (spongebob pin) + almond pastry - Ike dinner -- made fun of me for eating dessert first -- eye contact - helping Angelo teach me how to board - lazy weekends in Allison's room - winter retreat 2016 (even though I was trying to convince myself I didn't like like you) - Quad Day 2015 w/ Mitch and Dre (I didn't think you were a freshman and you signed up for like every other booth we passed) - Ghosts vs. Ghostbusters w/ IV - Your first sandwhich - We'd thumb wrestle and you wouldn't let me win - "Hey you" - PB in eye - I liked you just the way you were -- flaws and everything -- there was nothing wrong with you - I was pretending to sleep and you put a blanket on me - "we're completely fucked" --> and we didn't know how it would come true, but I wasn't scared to go through that because it would be with you - No shoes on my rug - No regret --> new happiness and familiar safety - Helping you with your laundry on the Shelden side lol - having so much trouble with my bra lololol - how you are forever perturbed by me chucking that banana against the wall - I am right handed, you idiot - packing at end of the year - ^^ you picked up the wrong pizza (Dominos) - That time you laughed so hard you cried because I clicked on the one tab out of like 12 that wasn't related to schoolwork and you had been trying to tell me that you were being productive - You making fun of how I flap my arms when I'm longboarding - when you, me, and elijah were longboarding and you were behind me and you had your phone up (taking picture? video?) while smiling - You were such an aggressive cover-stealer when you slept with Elijah, but then when you slept with me you kept waking up cold/falling off the futon because I'd steal the covers and/or move around too much and push you off - laying on the futon in my room: "we could literally not be any closer" - bumping into me and catching me when I tipped over |
Authormy mind is full of gibberish and this space will keep me sane. we have a love-hate relationship. Archives
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